I want to have your abortion
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
