My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
