So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
