You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
