Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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