First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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