Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
