Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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