he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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