Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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