shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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