the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
