while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
