Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
