He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
