i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
