I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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