when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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