You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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