I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There r osticjed everywhere
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
