Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
