Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
