Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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