Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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