It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
