Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I love having hate sex.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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