You're earring is so big in my mouth
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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