U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
