Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
