the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
