If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
