If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize