just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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