so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
