Please, let me fuck your mom
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
