i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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