I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize