remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
