i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
