You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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