i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
