I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
