Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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