Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
