I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize