Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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