this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
