When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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