I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
sarcasm needs its own font
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
