oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
