I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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