I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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