I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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