can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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