We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
