Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
