He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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