I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just found puke in my bra..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
