So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
