hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
