how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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