All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
