i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
