i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
