Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
