They should really pass out barf bags in church
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
