I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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