did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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