YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
